A Study in Humor

(Stay tuned for an attempt at comedy that will probably only be funny to one person in the entire world, but one is enough. Thanks for the support mom. :)

So one of the things I've been doing to become a better writer is making a study of different types of entertainments. There's: horror, humor, love, adventure, paranormal, literary and pretty much any other subject that happens to interest me at any one time in my ADOLS life. (ADOLS: Attention Deficit Oh Look Shiny!)

Lately, my study has shifted from horror/paranormal/scare fair to humor. Mainly because my current manuscript is really depressing and my nature is humorous so I want to infuse some of that into the book.

My subject of choice?

Bill Cosby

Hello, is there anyone else nearly as funny who doesn't cheapen their acts with sex, drugs, and alcohol all padded with a covering of swear words? His humor is the kind I understand because it doesn't depress me at the same time with negativity but makes fun of real life just the same. I'm not saying Bill Cosby never had any of those things in his acts, he just presented them with more class than most comedics today with the possible exception of Gabriel Inglesias, but even he's still a step or too down from Cosby.

Actually, I would probably put Brian Regan up there with Bill Cosby because he can be funny without using any of those cheap fall backs. You know you've got some high class comedy when they can make you nearly pee your pants without using anything crude. I mean the guy had me rolling on the floor with his walkie talkie gag. Who laughs about walky talkies? Oh, just the guys who've never heard of the "wammy cablamy," or the "rooty tooty aim and shooty."

I've been thinking about comedy so much that I think I've gone a bit nuts. Last night I couldn't go to bed because I was too busy writing my own comedic skit in my brain. My brain went everywhere from car rides with my dad to college roommates to Alma's Pizza because it baked not broiled like the other guys! Unfortunately only my family members would get that last one and that's ok they're probably the only ones that ever read it. Sarcasm is great.

Ok, just because I have time I'll tell one of the skits I made up.

Here we go.

I had a roommate my freshman year. I'd already been to school before so I felt like I kinda knew the territory and I was excited to meet my next batch of roommies. My mom and I walk in the door and there are my three new roommates standing in the kitchen. I said, "Hi! My name is C and I'm your new roommate."....you could hear the crickets in California. They gave me this sweeping glance that girls do when they're checking to see if you're prettier than them, you know that comparing wrinkled nose glance that makes you go, "What? Did I step in something stinky again?" Yep, I'd obviously missed the bonding party. But I was still optimistic because I thought that since we'd be stuck in this little apartment together for three months somethings bound to click sometime.

Yeah, I was pretty naive. I grew up rather shelter, I didn't realize just how two faced girls could really be because I was brought up to be straight forward and obvious, also known as HONEST, not devious. I had been living in this little shoe box of an apartment for three days when one of the girls decided she would die if she did not call a roommate meeting. You know, those meetings where you sit and talk and try to resolve problems in a civilized manner. Girls are the only ones who do these meetings guys don't do these meetings guys just punch it out and that's it, girls....we have to "discuss things" to make ourselves feel better.

So we had this meeting because this girl had also established herself as the strongest personality in the apartment. Just like guys follow the lead of whoever can beat the snot out of everyone else, girls follow the lead of whoever can bind the most people to her will....yes, girls are scary creatures. I know I am one.

She said, "O.k." like a cheerleader with attitude, "O.k. we have a problem here. You see, I grew up with my own bathroom and I really really (two reallies, that's serious) appreciate clean bathrooms."

I was thinking, "We've only been here three days? What could have possibly happened in three days? Who do you think we are, sasquatches?"

She said, "Our bathroom is disgusting. There was a hair in the sink this morning and I would just appreciate it if you guys took care of your messes before leaving in the morning o.k.?" A single hair? Are you kidding me? Most girls I know would call a meeting if their stuff had been taken or there was trouble with a friend stealing their boyfriend not for a single follicle of the human body. Seriously, it was only about an inch long. But she was the strongest personality so we just nodded our heads and said whatever because nobody else wanted any trouble we just wanted to get along and live peacefully.

We didn't understand, you see this girl didn't know how to live peacefully with anyone! Another reason why parents should never have single children! With their own private bathrooms. Can we spell spoiled? I grew up the youngest of five sisters. No hair in the bathroom would have meant my family would have been eligible to win the Noble Peace Prize! There was a reason my dad built a second bathroom when he found out he was going to have five teenage daughters about the same time. He knew he would never even see the john unless he did.

Anyway, in the same meeting she says, "Oh and one other thing. I have a small bladder so if I need to go, ya'all need to vacate so I can go." She has a small body so it was easy to believe that she has a small bladder, but using that same logic I could have easily said, "Psh, well I have a large bladder so if I need to go we're all in trouble! What about our other roommate she had one of her kidney's removed at birth I think she should get priority over all of us!"

This roommate didn't like me. I was nice, that's why she didn't like me. I swear her favorite game was to watch and see when I was going to use the bathroom. Because every time I went and closed the door not two seconds later, BAM BAM BAM. "I have to pee!" eyes roll. I'd call, "Just a second." two seconds later BAM BAM BAM "I have to pee now!"

"Hold it!"
"No!"

I have a weird personality. When someone tries to push my buttons like that I like to push them right back. Now I never did anything that could be blamed on me for ruining the peace of the apartment, but I had my moments. I started locking the bathroom door when I went to brush my teeth. Well she couldn't PROVE that I wasn't peeing. All the rushing noise from the faucet could have easily been me.

"BAM BAM BAM! I need to pee!"

"Well, chuckle" rushing water, "just what do you think I'm doing?" brush brush.

She hated it when any of us left our stuff lying around in the living room even if it was just for an hour. I took great delight in leaving my homework stacked NEATLY by the couch waiting for me when I got home from school. Stacked neatly and out of sight, because then she couldn't really say anything about it without sounding as crazy as she was. All she said was, "C, would you pick up your mess?"

I'd ask all innocent, "what mess? I don't see any mess? Do you see any mess? I don't see any mess....Oh...do you mean that stack of neatly piled books and paper that only take up the space of a single page behind the couch? Oh well why didn't you say so! That's a traffic hazard right there. I better get right on it so I don't get a ticket!"

And so this thing just kept escalating. And it was getting to the point where I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I wanted peace in the apartment and I could understand her need for a clean house. On the other...she was a control freak with entitlement issues that liked to tick me off. The straw that finally broke the camel's back involved my laptop. I liked to work on my homework on the kitchen table and this table is fairly large for the apartment we are in and my laptop barely takes up a sixth of surface. My computer drove her INSANE!!

She said, "C, would you PLEASE put your laptop in your room at night? I don't want to see it in the morning when I eat breakfast." Seriously? What are going to cook yourself a banquet that requires the use of the whole stinking table in the morning? Didn't your momma EVER teach you to share? But again, I want peace in the apartment. The request seemed reasonable. I started taking my laptop into my room, not because she told me too, but because I was afraid that one day I'd come out and find it smashed on the lawn outside.

A few nights went by. And one night I was working late and forgot to put my laptop away. The next morning, my laptop was gone! I panicked. I looked outside. I looked in my room. I demanded from each of my roommates a confession of where my laptop was. This girl didn't even look at me. She went out the door to class and didn't say a word to me. The only reason I didn't jump her then and there was because I knew that kicking her butt with my awesome black belt Jujitsu skills, yeah, that's right I know how to kick butt, well that would only get me expelled and she would win. Can you imagine that?

The police come to my door, BAM BAM BAM.

"I'm peeing! Come back later!"

I finally found my laptop.

In the microwave.

Are you freaking kidding me? At that point I knew for certain. My roommate was insane. She was an egomaniac and she was insane and rule number one with dealing with insane people. Don't do it. You start trying to deal with insane people and you become crazy yourself and then everybody goes nuts!

Somehow, we survived the semester without killing each other. We were both extatic to to get out of there and away from each other and I was one of the first ones to leave. I packed all my stuff, got into the car with my mom. And the first thing she says is, "Hang on, I've got to pee."

"Don't go in! You'll never get out!!"

Thank you.