NERVES!!!

I feel like my blood is on fire and my breath just isn't working the way it's supposed to because some demon decided to lodge it's claws deep into my chest!

Why?

I'll tell you why...

I can't believe I did this to myself. I have a couple dance competition at 9:45 am tomorrow, a triathlon at 10:30 am, a last minute rehearsal at 7:00 and a group/formal dance at 9:00 pm!!! Hello, I'm not very good at competitions. Part of the reason why I sounded so bad as a trumpeter in band was because I would get so tight on stage that I couldn't play. Sports is a whole different stage but it's still a stage I can look like an idiot on. I'm excited to compete, but I'm also scared out of my wits!

Earlier this semester I tried to participate in a Saturday dodge-ball tournament, besides the fact that it looked like I was going to have to wait at least 4 HOURS before I'd even get to play, my brain kept telling me, "You're not an athlete, you can't do this, you don't belong here." So..I left.

I'm scared that I'm going to walk into that pool room and that same demonic voice is going to enter my skull and ruin my performance. It doesn't help that they changed the rules LAST MINUTE. Instead of getting as much time as I want to complete 300yd swim, 8 mile bike, and 2 mile run. I only get 10 min to swim, 20 min to bike, and 15 min to run as far as I can and it doesn't matter how far that is. PLUS we're not using the stationaries but the the reclining machine bikes. Totally different muscle groups and brand of equipment. I've been training on the wrong bikes all month!!

I'm wearing my 2010 champion shirt that I earned in ward softball as a sort of good luck charm. Praying would be a good idea too. Whatever happens tomorrow I'm going to do this. For me if nothing else. Because I don't want to go back to that girl who wasn't confident at all and couldn't do the things she wanted to.

I've always wanted to be an athlete, ever since I was in elementary school and saw all those kids running ahead of me and feeling so angry and ashamed at myself for being fat and slow I've dreamed of being with the kids up front. I've always admired athletes. And I believe that if I really wanted to I could become a triathlete. I could compete in the big cities someday. I just got to get over this mental block that I'm not good enough to do this. I've trained all month for this. I'm going to do it no matter what. If I can't do this, what right have I to believe that I can achieve any of my dreams? It's not like they're going to kick me out of the race. I could do only one lap and they'd still keep me. It's not difficult. But I'd still like to try for the original distances anyway. That would really make my day.

Wish me luck.